Time passed too slowly as she sat alone, feeling no comfort even with a house full of people. Her room reeked of angst, canvases cascaded the floor, unfinished story lines are what were painted, “To clear her mind,” she told her friends who were quick to respond with disbelief. Brushes lay around in places which they shouldn't be and the filthy water was left on the table, clothes were strewn over the chairs which she sat in, which he sat in. And she’d sit, for hours, circling in her sweet head and the dreams of yesterday while tears couldn't help but fall and she continued to sit and stare aimlessly at the blotches on the ceiling, imagining that they were moving. And the fan hummed in the distance as she cried and twiddled her thumbs, sighing had become a landslide when her chest was too congested: with sorrow and emptiness. She was a frequent visitor of the Heartbreak Hotel but had never quite been a fan of the fluorescent sign that hung outside her window which echoed red in her room. Her cats slept on a cloud and dreamed of ringing bells and fish somewhere in the ocean, the real one basked in the sun while the fake one was hid under a pile of other stuffed animals. She too was tired lately, bored, and lonely.

            “RING,” the doorbell cried from her living room which was then followed by a pair of heavy knocks. She lifted herself off the windowsill and placed her coffee cup on the ledge, “I’m coming!” she shouted, her voice was not quite her own since she had been crying again, and the knocks continued while she splashed some cold water on her face from the kitchen sink. “I’m coming.” She whispered almost angrily as she approached the door with heavy footsteps. Opening the door she saw two smiling faces that turned to frowns when they saw hers.

            “No more.” Margret shook her head.

            “This has to stop Babycakes.” Lois forced her way into the house as she inhaled heavily.

            Maple stood at the door quietly and waited for Margret to waddle her way inside, Happy Birthday was playing loudly on repeat in the other room which made them both shake their heads. Lois placed her bags on the couch and turned around to see Maple still propped against the door with her head hung low.

            “God damned it.” She whispered as she rolled up her sleeves, she sighed and walked over to her placing her hand on her shoulder. “You okay kid?” Maple shook her head, and stared at the discolored wall of the building’s hallway, the waterworks started again, silently, and painfully. Lois took her in and hugged her tightly, her face strained as she placed her head atop Maple’s shoulder “No one deserves this.” Margret quietly closed the door behind them both and walked off to the kitchen—Maple had been living alone in a fully furnished condo near the downtown area for some time now. In a plea to escape the crowing birds that mocked her in the morning at home she had decided to leave, to simply leave everything behind in terms of avoidance. She had realized not before too long that she couldn't do it anymore, she had told Margret about the embarrassment she felt when crowded around people who had known her, had known him.

            And they talked at night weeks before she had decided to leave, and change herself around--

[11:11:45 PM]  Orange: We need to have a conversation.

[ 11:11:55 PM] Orange: Just the whole fact this transferring thing. Which I know you are seriously considering

[ 11:12:21 PM] Orange: Regardless if you aren't even thinking about it seriously just the fact it's a passing thought bothers me

[ 11:13:05 PM] Orange: You reading this?

[ 11:13:10 PM] LEMON: yes

[ 11:13:20 PM] LEMON: also reading the transfer requirements

[ 11:13:26 PM] Orange: I had a feeling

[ 11:13:34 PM] Orange: You where doing it seriously

[ 11:13:48 PM] LEMON: I feel so fucking embarrassed

[ 11:13:50 PM] LEMON: so insulted

[ 11:13:54 PM] Orange: You should be ashamed

[ 11:13:55 PM] LEMON: everything

[ 11:14:06 PM] Orange: Just the fact you doing this

[ 11:14:13 PM] LEMON: GOD MARGRET ! I SAW HIS FRIENDS ON THURSDAY AND I TURNED A BLIND EYE!

[ 11:14:20 PM] LEMON: BECAUSE I FELT ASHAMED

[ 11:14:23 PM] LEMON: ME!

[ 11:14:25 PM] LEMON: ASHAMED

[ 11:14:28 PM] LEMON: EMBARASSED

[ 11:14:34 PM] LEMON: I DONT EVEN KNOW IF THEY KNOW!

[ 11:14:39 PM] LEMON: why

[ 11:14:45 PM] LEMON: why does this shit always fucking happen?

[ 11:15:09 PM] Orange: You consider me a close friend right?

[ 11:15:23 PM] LEMON: stupid fucking question

[ 11:15:31 PM] Orange: Regardless answer it

[ 11:15:34 PM] LEMON: yes motherfucker

[ 11:15:43 PM] Orange: Then it's time for tough love

[ 11:15:59 PM] Orange: Like you give it to me

[ 11:16:43 PM] Orange: You need to grow a fucking backbone and stop fucking blaming yourself for other peoples (Specifically the men you date) problems wth intimacy

[ 11:17:01 PM] Orange: I need to apologize too

[ 11:17:13 PM] Orange: When we where sitting down in Lois’s house

[ 11:17:24 PM] LEMON: were*

[ 11:17:29 PM] Orange: I analyzed the fuck outta you

[ 11:17:33 PM] Orange: You noticed

[ 11:18:03 PM] Orange: But I said if your ok with everything to just go with the flow or something in that respect

[ 11:18:15 PM] Orange: I  should have not told you that or w/e I said

[ 11:18:39 PM] Orange: Because since Highschool Specifically since Leo I noticed you do something

[ 11:19:09 PM] Orange: And the reason I never mention it is because don’t want you to try and hide it from me or realize yourself you do t

 [ 11:20:18 PM] Orange: Whenever you are in a roughspot in a relationship  but you get the smallest amount of hope you make this almost pathetic smile of trying to cling unto the smallest hope that it will work when I feel like in your mind you know the shit is fucked

[ 11:21:20 PM] Orange: For instance with Leo he once said he wasnt ready for a relationship but you felt he liked you regardless we where in the 2nd floor hall way it was tuesday when you told me this

[ 11:21:49 PM] Orange: You clung to the little hope and did not use the rational part of your mind

[ 11:22:01 PM] Orange: Same thing happened with Christopher

[ 11:22:10 PM] Orange: You made excuses to why he didn't meet you

[ 11:23:21 PM] Orange: With this one  saw instances of this face but the reason I didn't say too much and was always wishy-washy  with him was because he gave you what you wanted on SOME occasions

[ 11:24:00 PM] Orange: I should have told you to end it when you first started feeling insecure with the relationship. I feel bad as a friend for being wishy-washy.

[ 11:24:12 PM] Orange: I'm going to be dead up.

[ 11:24:27 PM] Orange: This is embarrassing of you even trying to transfer

[ 11:24:48 PM] Orange: You know how it makes you look? Like a fucking coward

[ 11:24:56 PM] LEMON: I am a fucking coward

[ 11:25:03 PM] LEMON: besides, if you don’t count Christopher or Leo as actual relationships (because they weren’t), I have been single for three years. Also--

[ 11:25:11 PM] LEMON: I might get a scholarship if I go

[ 11:25:20 PM] LEMON: I’ve been thinking about this for a while

[ 11:25:24 PM] LEMON: but this pushed the thought

[ 11:25:42 PM] Orange: You can transfer if you want to. But do not do it because of a man

[ 11:25:59 PM] LEMON: he intensified the decision

 [ 11:27:00 PM] LEMON: "I'm going to limit contact with my friends and you."

[ 11:27:07 PM] LEMON: He's with Kimberly and Jeff right now

[ 11:27:19 PM] LEMON: fuck

[ 11:27:20 PM] LEMON: you

[ 11:27:22 PM] LEMON: fuck

[ 11:27:23 PM] LEMON: fuck

[ 11:27:26 PM] LEMON: fuck

[ 11:27:26 PM] Orange: You're a fool for believeing that. Or even just an ounce

[ 11:27:41 PM] LEMON: I've always been a fool

[ 11:27:46 PM] LEMON: they always do this

[ 11:27:59 PM] LEMON: this is like the bullshit Billy pulled when we were freshmen

[ 11:28:13 PM] LEMON: but

[ 11:28:17 PM] LEMON: I’m embarrassed

[ 11:28:23 PM | Edited 11:28:28 PM] LEMON: and you'd be embarrassed too

[ 11:28:32 PM] Orange: No I wouldn't

[ 11:28:37 PM] LEMON: bull fucking shit

[ 11:28:37 PM] Orange: I'd be sad as fuck

[ 11:28:43 PM] LEMON: you'd feel insecure

[ 11:28:47 PM] Orange: Yes but

[ 11:28:48 PM] LEMON: and you'd doubt yourself

[ 11:28:49 PM] LEMON: no

[ 11:28:49 PM] LEMON: but

[ 11:28:53 PM] LEMON: NO BUT !

[ 11:28:58 PM] LEMON: WE ALL GO THROUGH THE SAME SHIT

[ 11:29:08 PM] LEMON: I DONT GIVE  A FUCK HOW TRAGIC THE BREAK UPS ARE

[ 11:29:12 PM] LEMON: WE ALL FEEL THE SAME

[ 11:29:18 PM] Orange: I would not waste my energy to try and transfer

[ 11:29:32 PM] LEMON: it's not much of a waste really

[ 11:29:52 PM] Orange: Your doing this mostly because you do not want to see him or his friends

[ 11:29:57 PM] LEMON: this is true

[ 11:30:04 PM] LEMON: but

[ 11:30:20 PM] LEMON: I’ve also had this thought in the works for some time now

[ 11:30:21 PM] LEMON: because

[ 11:30:29 PM] LEMON: the hint of scholarship

[ 11:30:36 PM] LEMON: where I wouldn't have to pay

[ 11:30:50 PM] LEMON: the first time I thought about it was when I saw Khemraj

[ 11:30:53 PM] LEMON: he got a full ride

[ 11:30:54 PM] Orange: I’ve never once heard this thought from you until this whole shit happened. It was a passing thought wasnt even worth mentioning

[ 11:30:56 PM] LEMON: and i didn't get shit

[ 11:31:02 PM] LEMON: because I never mentioned it

[ 11:31:09 PM] LEMON: because I was fine

[ 11:31:10 PM] LEMON: so yes

[ 11:31:13 PM] Orange: Because it wasnt imortant until now

[ 11:31:14 PM] LEMON: this shit happened

[ 11:31:21 PM] LEMON: and thoughts become actions

[ 11:31:44 PM] Orange: I have no problem with the action if it wasn't backed by something like that

[ 11:31:50 PM] LEMON: you make it seem like it's some life altering decision

[ 11:32:02 PM] LEMON: alright

[ 11:32:03 PM] LEMON: wait

[ 11:32:04 PM] Orange: In it's own way it is

[ 11:32:09 PM] LEMON: no it is

[ 11:32:09 PM] Orange: But see

[ 11:32:13 PM] LEMON: no, you see

[ 11:32:21 PM] LEMON: now im thinking academically

[ 11:32:45 PM] Orange: Well… if you want to lie to yourself I’m still here for you. But when you’re ready to stop know that I am still here, a man can never do that for you: they’re too distrustful.  

[ 11:35:19 PM] LEMON: Yeah, thanks. Night.

[ 11:35:50 PM] Orange: Night.

Maple had then since moved out of her parent’s house and enrolled to transfer during the upcoming semester, she was granted a full ride to the university that she had lived down the street from for many years. She cut her hair and let it fall below her chin, if she couldn't be herself she could choose to be someone else for now, while walking on the same streets she had adored when in his presence, to feel the breeze on her face as they rode through the summer air. To be alone in the fall and being presented to a new place, she had been angry with herself: she had felt quite betrayed because she never truly had a full understanding, and there was really nothing to talk about anymore. She deleted his number from her phone but found that she couldn't lose it since her memory had retained it for her, making it part of the last staple in her mind. She locked away the pictures they had taken together—the pictures that he shunned because of a sense of self-deprecation in the face of others who had known him. She had felt that he never truly accepted her, yet he only really acted like he did when he was around his close friends, where he would kiss and hug her but neglect to do so when they were alone. What sense had that made? Such a silly motive to deny a woman for her right for PDA, “Some days you’ll be able to and some days you won’t.” he had told her back during a time where this had been an important part of their relationship. And what is a break after all, if not the pretense of a break-up, and to still be friends? What was this? What had all of this become? “I still want you in my life, I want to be able to reply to your texts and yours to mine, I still want us to confide in each other.” But what good does that do? She was not his friend, she could never be his friend—their relationship never started off like this to begin with—hell they were romantically involved when she had told herself that she knew. And then the texts would soon become useless because he would return to his stoic ways in which she would fall through the cracks, if she hadn't already done so. This justified nothing. And all she wanted to do was argue, in hopes that she could push him away and finally stop crying, but she couldn't and he would tell her over and over again—“I want you in my life, even if we don’t date.” BUT WHAT GOOD IS THAT? When he feels it too, at least she had wished he did. And she’d return to cry and find reasons to blame this on herself even though he said it was not her, that it had nothing to do with her.

            And she had stared quietly off into the distance while Lois prepared them dinner; Margret sat cross-legged on the couch and paddled away on the computer.

            “He said it was hard for him too.”

            “Which part?” Lois called from the kitchen, “The part where he broke your heart or the part where he is without you?”

            Margret snickered from behind the laptop and scrolled across some pages. “How about the part where he only wants to keep you as a ‘friend’,”

            Maple stared endlessly at the wooden floor and pulled her knees onto the couch to lay her head atop them. Loneliness had become her, but this was a feeling that had long since been growing, even when she was with him she had felt this way many a time. As if he didn't want to be with her even when he said he did, where now he proved that he would hang her out to dry without even noticing it. This was something he did often—neglect her and come to a realization after she would cry silently to herself for days, but alas “What more could I do to hurt you? We’re already not together.” It didn't have to be that way, she thought. Nothing had to be that way… unless this is what he had wanted all along—yet he had resourcefully said that he would have stayed if this didn't happen, but told her not to wonder about it. But the truth of the matter was that she couldn't help but wonder, she couldn't help but feel as if she had truly lost some part of herself. And he made it seem so easy, using his “lack of emotion” as a constant excuse, she wished it would have hurt him as much as it hurt her, that just maybe he would change his mind… but angelically she would have chosen to promise that she would wait, but what good would that do? Instead of being angry at him, now all she could do is cry, cry with a lack of appetite and a lack of energy to do things that often encouraged her to do more. And tomorrow would officially align this as the first month of mourning, so painful and still not over. God, she’d do anything… to never feel this way again. She’d do anything to wake up and find him at her side, as if nothing had ever happened and ring out every bell because he was beautiful and he was hers.

            Friendship won’t do, because they were never friends of that nature, and if that happens she feels he will hide the feelings he has for her. And she wants to kiss him, and she wants him to tell her that this will all go away, and she wants him to hold her so she doesn't cry anymore.

            Today I saw a mackerel die, tomorrow I will bury it.