I've done nothing but sit down all day today. Listening to the leaky faucet drip in my bathroom, listening to silence encase my room, and watching the time pass, yet in the back of my mind I've been wishing that I could rewind the whole day and in-turn gotten off my ass and actually did something productive. A fine line had been plastered on my lips for a week now, and I was driving myself mad by simply trying to blame it on someone else, more precisely to blame it on him, but was I wrong? And it was yesterday, yesterday where I lost my senses--I spent money like a shopaholic, ate food like glutton, and deprived myself of laughter for my own purpose of demise. Withdrawal?

“I'm leaving my phone off for a week.” I said to Alyce as I took a shaky inhale on my cigarette.
She frowned at me and let out a long and congested sigh. “You've gotta stop this Jones, this is hurting you.”

“You think I don't know that?” I responded as I exhaled and hastily blinked away tears. But the truth was that I didn't want to stop this, sure maybe I wanted to stop the pain but I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

She sat up on my Persian rug and pulled her knees to her chest wrapping her arms around them. “You're strong. I envy you, but... this... why? And also I see that you’ve taken up smoking again…” She lifted her eyes from my unstable hand and looked at my emotionless face.

“I love him.’ I sucked in my lower lip and bit down on it, shook my head and smiled. ‘And this calms me.”

“Is he bi-polar or something?’ She laughed trying to lighten the air. ‘And does it really? Your hand is having a nervous breakdown.”

“If you know something that I don't know I'd be glad to hear it from someone other than the silent man of amazing talents.’ I put the cigarette to my lips. Inhaled. ‘Fuck it.”

She pulled my laptop into her newly found cross-legged position and threw my iTunes into gear, letting it aid the nothingness that my room had captured for the past week (and a half). I twitched angrily when “Needing/Getting” by Ok Go came on and took the longest inhale on my cigarette feeling my nipples prickle under the pressure; under the anxiety. It's funny how you never notice the small things until after things have gone sour. Alyce was bobbing her head playfully to the songs as her fingers fiddled away on my keyboard. Besides recently becoming a shopaholic as of late I would also like to add that I have become a nonalcoholic as well--I often sit down on nights like these with my cigarette in my left hand and a wine glass filled to the brim with Sparkling Grape Juice in my right and I sit before my opened window and just stare into the lighted up windows of the neighboring building. The breeze is often cold on my skin but I'm only human so of course it's natural for me to shiver uncontrollably. But what has really started to grow on me is this inconsistent frown that I have developed as well and this urgent need to verify that I will not become depressed and miserable, although anyone can look at me and say I am what I say I am not. So I eventually reclined on my rug and stared up at my ceiling slowly letting my eyes wander to the light fixture in the center of it all. My mind danced around the thoughts of racing white waterfalls somewhere in the Bahamas in the sensuous arms of--

“Look at this!” Alyce exclaimed as she turned the laptop towards my head which was now propped on my leaning hand.
I stared at the screen for a really long second before I responded simply because all I could see was psychedelic orbs that floated to-and-fro in my eyesight. “Okay?” She was on the Met's website looking for tickets to an opera--Madame Butterfly.
She frowned and told me to look closer, so I did. She had found tickets for an upcoming concert date on the 22nd of February. I lifted my eyes to her face which suddenly became distorted due to the excess amount of saline that was being produced. I blinked it away again.
“Jones...’ She put down the laptop which now churned out “Heartbreaker” by The Cardigans. ‘Don't tell me you were thinking of inviting him to this.” I stared at her with the utmost sincerity and then darted away.
"God, are you serious? I'm so sorry."
“Fuck it.’ I took a deep inhale on what was left of my cigarette and put it out in my ashtray listening to it ‘hiss’ angrily due to its annihilation. ‘I was actually planning to take my aunt before she had the baby, but I waited too long to book the tickets before hand.” I then laid back down on the rug and turned to my side, leaning my left elbow on the cushion and then my chin in my palm. 'You know, he never told me when his birthday was. In fact, he said he didn't have one, but what I do know is that it's in February.” I dazed off into the grooves of my floorboards.
“What a dick.” Alyce said in a reviling tone. “Linger” by The Cranberries.
“Hey, watch your mouth... He got mad at me once for silently agreeing that he was one.’ I smiled and pulled my right index finger before my lips gesturing her to ‘shh.’ ‘He might be listening.”
“This isn’t funny.’ She closed my laptop. ‘He got mad at you before because you were being honest and now he's mad all over again and might I remind you that this isn’t the first time he’s done this! Also might I add that once again you don’t even know why or what you did! Jonsey you have to fight this.” The words oozed out of her mouth like slime which slowly conquered my rug, then my ashtray, and then finally me. I swam in the words as if I were in my own reinvention of Alice in Wonderland.

“God, I... think I'm going to be sick.” I murmured as put my hands on my stomach and mouth instantly lunging for the door. I swiftly curved into the bathroom and flipped up the toilet seat. Crashing to the floor I wrapped my knees and arms around the perspiring porcelain and stared into the bowl watching as my glasses frosted over with salt water. Alyce approached me from behind and tied a band around my hair positioning a loose bun in the center of my head as I gagged up all of that night’s dinner. She took a seat on the tub besides me and watched me as I cringed for dear life every time something found its way back up my digestive track. After a while she realized I still had my glasses on, so with the tips of her index and forefinger she took them in and deposited them in the sink. And she waited, and waited; she waited as if this was something I had done before, as if she was used to this type of behavior, but the truth was--she'd never seen me this bad--ever. When my stomach finally calmed itself I lay my head on the freezing porcelain rim of the john and just stared at the moldy interior of my tub. Warm tears ran from one eye, over the small bump on my nose, and sent acidic burns throughout the other eye which produced even more saline to accompany the sweat on the privy underneath me. Alyce looked at me with sympathy in her eyes and watched the blackened lines that criss-crossed my now pale skin.

"What did he do to you?" She questioned apathetically, like she didn't already know the answer; as she put a hand towel on the side of the tub for me.  She rubbed my back with the gentle palm of her hand as she continued her venture with words.
 "God, are you alright?’ she questioned with her usual sensitivity. ‘And also… you're something else you know that? I mean, well, no, forget it." She looked towards the sink.

I took the towel to my face and wiped my eyes and my mouth, I stood up and stared unsteadily into the bowl looking down at my dinner, let the seat slam shut and then I flushed it all away, hoping that somewhere within it all my heart lay at the bottom. I staggered to what she had her eyes set on and stood before the mirror just staring at myself--I looked like a raccoon that had just stepped out of hell--the redness in my eyes was augmented by the bleeding of my make-up. I was a mess. I removed my glasses from the basin and put them on the shelf, turned on the faucet and forcefully began to scrubbing away all the lines embedded on my face; it was with a bar of Lever 2000 that I began to hope all the more, to hope that I’d wash away all my misery. So I took a seat on the toilet and stared at Alyce with puffy eyes and pouted lips. She smiled with a bit of remorse in her face, all I needed right now was more sympathy to add to my already terrible mood which I seemed to hide easily around anyone who I'd rather not express my feelings to.


“So, continue what you were saying before." I urged to her as I dried my face on a different towel and exhaled heavily.
“No, it's just... well, you've gone too this time I guess.’ She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. ‘I mean, well, no. Wait.’ She paused to collect herself again. ‘To put it simpler, I'm amazed to find that you've actually truly found love--I mean, from every guy that I've seen you go through that is; this is something else, this is magnified on something else of whatever something else is.”

Something else? I was sure of what she meant to say and accepting to her confused wording. Yeah, I'm definitely in love. I mean, it's not every day that the love of your life tells you they're leaving and then you find yourself crashing into bathroom walls and then losing all feeling in your knees to hit the floor and start crying like a baby. And it's also not every day that you find yourself so madly in love and so deeply dedicated that you try to get this person's attention for an entire week and give up once the silence has become too overwhelming. I watched as Alyce's mouth moved and I promise that I tried to listen but the words weren't coming out, they were neutralized by my thoughts which increased with each breathe I took. I felt as I if were having an outer body experience as I stared down at myself from above, taking in the strict tail of obedience that had somehow caught a hold of me. I cast my sights upon different things like the dripping water from the sink, the frost leftover on my glasses, and the silence that had enveloped me and Alyce in the bathroom to the smoke seeping from my burnt out cigarette and the creeping of ash around my ashtray in my room, everything that happened in these moments made my sadness even more beautiful; even more pitiful. I went to sleep that night, at four in the morning because I was thinking too much and writing a lot more than usual, by the time I had finished I hadn't even realized what time it was but my eyes were heavy and my mouth was dry so that said enough. My mind wouldn’t dare surrender.  

It's a new day and now it's officially past two weeks. I feel so spineless, entirely fed up with the concept of being neglected that I've practically thrown my mental-self out the window at least a dozen times. Richard? Pourquoi? Ce qui nous est arrive? I contemplated his image--with such delectable lips and eyes that craved the world that I resided on, did he truly ever desire me? I crossed my legs as I rode the 33^rd Street train to work watching the wandering eyes of others and passing glances myself here and there. Although the worst of the storm had subsided I still suffered from temporary mood swings while in my own mind. Talking to friends about the same subsidiary subjects day in and day out for the past two weeks, I had cautiously wondered if I was truly in love with Richard. Was the love that I had for him enough to keep me wallowing for another week? Another week before he maybe decided to send me a strained text that simply said “Hi.”? Or would I give in and question his titular? Although it is a known fact that once I see the words I will sit there and cry at the relief that he thought of me for once and pushed aside whatever had made him livid... because I'm just becoming too sick to try anymore. “This stop is 14th Street. The next stop is 23rd Street.” My eyes regulated to the brightness of the outside world after I reached higher ground once again. The cold scratched my face and bolted at my eyes making me teary. I strode towards the F train in search of warmth, refusing to breath out my nose as I walked past the single staircase that smelled too similar to an out-of-order women's bathroom. I stood looking down into the subway tracks and carefully began to count the number of Pinnacle bottles that had been thrown down onto them. 14. 

My eyes we're seeing things clearer now behind the new set of glasses I had brought, my face had taken on a newer look and was properly accented by the trimming of my bangs. For years I developed this quirk where after I assumed a man and I were through I would cut my hair. I would cut my hair ‘till it stood behind my ears and feel refreshed; no matter how long it were, I knew that I would be letting go ultimately and along with my hair I would also cut my finger nails and set aside what had made me into the woman that they were so very attracted to in one time or another. As I focused my attention on my new found reflection in the windows of the prominently bare F train car I forced a smile when "Paradise Circus (Zeds Dead Remix)” by Massive Attack turned my ears into ground beef. I'm attracted to the darkness, the idea that everything will be alright after I find the lights that bring me to a certain sort of salvation. My mind had become a camping ground for bigotry. I had been put on standby and planned to keep it that way only because I still had hope, hope that was harboring itself in a corner away from the blasphemous growls the other containers of my personality threw around. I believed in fidelity even if it meant I'd be neglected by the one I was being most faithful towards. 

“Jonsey, there's a call for you on line two.” Vanessa poked her head around the sheetrock wall and into the break room.
I brought my head up from my lunch. “Who is it?”
She put her hand over the mic of her headset. “Some guy, I don't know who he is he just said he was looking for you.” My heart broke out of my chest and slammed on to my sleeve. The bleeding was tremendous as was the beating which was very much like the heat of an extraordinarily erect bull. 

I sighed as I exited the break room, veered over to the reception desk and took a seat. I was a receptionist for ELLE Magazine and have been employed here for the past three months, not quite the job I want yet, unfortunately. I answered calls from big-wig CEO's and models from around the world where I would either a) give them directions to our New York branch or b) transfer them to my superiors. 

I took the mysterious man off of hold and answered. “Hello, ELLE magazine, Jonsey speaking. How may I help you?”
“Ah there you are!” Exclaimed he who was faceless.
My heart sent shocks to my eyes which grew wide. The voice was oddly familiar. Deep inhale. “Mmm yes... What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I'm sorry Jonsey, its professor Tim White of your History course.’ Relief, my heart grew legs and crawled its way back into my chest leaving a trail of drying blood in its wake. ‘I called your cell phone earlier but it sent me to your voicemail, anyhow this is pertaining to an out of class field trip that I have scheduled for Thursday.”
“Oh okay,’  I smiled to myself. ‘Thanks for the notice professor.”
“You're very much welcome! Thanks for signing up for my course; you have a good day now.” I could imagine his blue eyes staring into mine just the way they did on the first day of class.
“Y-you too professor, goodbye now.” And I hung up with my heart still beating heavily and my hand clutched tightly on the receiver. I inhaled deeply to clear my mind.
“Is everything alright Jones?” Vanessa asked cautiously.
I slowly turned my head to her. “Yeah,” I smiled. “Everything is fine.” I lied again, it was becoming a habit. 

The following days were silent, all but one. It was a Thursday, and a few friends decided that we should all go out and go bowling and that’s exactly what we did. Ben and Archie picked me and Donna up from the Laundromat and we drove for a while ‘till we finally reached the bowling alley. He paid for dinner and then we decided to ask for double lanes, unfortunately we were pushed away by an angry hostess who seemed to disliked Ben very much. So we drifted away to another part of town and went to Billards and played some pool for an hour.

“You’re not going to make this one.” Ben whispered in my ear as I bent forward and aimed my cue stick at the white ball.  
I grinned and struck the ball sending the red '3' into the right corner pocket of the table. “What was that?” I stuck out my tongue playfully and leaned next to him.
He inhaled. “You smell really great.”
I smiled awkwardly and shied away.
“Hot damn! Who’s winning now?!” Archie said as he wiggled his pelvis wildly at us all.
“Boy you need to calm down.” Donna belted a laugh as she went in for the kill but missed completely. Laughter enshrouded the pool hall.

I forced myself not to think of what I had but what I could have. Focused only on having fun and trying not to think of how shitty Richard been treating me for the past two weeks. I succeeded partially after I charmed Ben later on at the bowling alley, rather, contrary, we charmed each other. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t dare even though in the back of my mind I felt that Richard was now with someone else who made him happy.

I positioned myself in the center of the lane. Pulled back. Strike. My friends were cheering in the background. I took a seat before the display screen and waited patiently as Archie and Donna took their turns. Ben crept up next to me.

“So, if you get a strike I’ll strip for you.” He said with a grin.
“Really now?” I kept my eyes on the lanes.
He laughed a little. “But what do I get if I get a strike?” “Tongue Tied” by The Good Natured played on the loud speakers of the bowling alley.
“I don’t know, you tell me.” I flirted back, but I promised myself that I couldn’t and planned to keep it that way. After I went home that night Donna had texted me and my train of thought had shifted its stubborn weight:

“Tonight = So much FUN!!!” =D

“:/ you texted me, I thought it was him. But yeah, totally agree.”

“Oh sorry to spoil ur… wait. Ben is totally hot. LOL so is Archie even tho he’s a bit hyper. J Lucky you.”

“Lol… Yeah :p… I don’t think I’d do anything with Ben. He’s not quite as aggressive as I’d want. But he’s charming. Besides, I’m trying to hold on to my last bit of hope.”

“Maybe Archie is right… Maybe u should leave Richard alone :/.”

“I’m getting there.”

“It’s been three weeks Jones… When will u be there?”

“Two weeks*”

“W.e. But u still don’t think enough is enough? Honestly if u take him back how much more of this do u think u’ll be able to take?”

“I dunno. Enough to tell him I can’t do it anymore.”

“Will u really?” Are u honestly gonna be able to tell him that & not be swept off ur feet by his sob story & lines of how he loves u & blah, blah, blah?”

“I dunno.”

“Leave him alone Jonsey. As ur friend, I really think u should. Ur obsessing over a guy who treats you like shit. It’s not healthy.”

I had no response. “Tomorrow Never Dies” by Swan Lee accented the aura of silence.

Richard often attended parties where I was sure that he was flirted with and flirted back constantly with other women. But I wouldn’t be more of the bad guy and let things go farther. I could control myself. At least until the need to give up finally approached. 

“Richard?” Message sent at 12:54 p.m. Saturday, January 14, 2012.

And I gave up the following day. An Aquarius and Cancer are said to be incompatible anyhow. 

“Wars” by Bloodgroup.