I understand this hollowness now.
I understand this pain.
"Why did you let me fall in love with you?" I recite
this phrase through my head again and again.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
“Paris,” he said.
Paris, the land of romance and cigarette burns on my
nightstand.
Paris, the Eiffel Tower,
Paris is where my lover will stand, across the sea and so very far
away from me.
"Why did you let me fall in love with you?" I recite
this phrase through my head again and again.
I’ve cried over you more times than I’ve seen you in my dreams.
I’ve cried over you more times than I’ve ever heard your voice,
because now it has gone.
Stale and lonesome I’ve become.
I don’t want to beg but I don’t want to ignore this either.
“I’ve been through worse things.” Is what I tell myself, but it
does not compare, I promise it doesn’t.
“I’ve been through worse things.” Is what I try to remember, that
these tears won’t mean much anymore once the ocean outside my window washes
them away.
I’ve heard the ocean outside my window, it has returned several
times this week.
Washing its way up to the shore and attempting to pull away my grief.
“Water why have you failed this time?” I ask the waves which I cannot
see.
“Water why can’t you remove from me this dejected misery?” I ask
the waves of wind.
I’ve heard the ocean outside my window but this time it failed to
prevail.
I believe this feeling to be something different, I believe this
feeling to be something new.
But now all my smiles spiral down steps into clown face frowns.
Thoughts of you are all I have; I just can’t lose them too.
Forgive me for being selfish; forgive me for being blue, I understand
quite clearly that this is a problem only for you.
But I can’t… I can’t help myself, I cannot let you hear me cry, or
see the sadness in my eyes while I sing you a sweet lullaby.
There has to be an alternative… there just has to be a way.
“Regardless of the circumstances.” I said to you but the next day I
cried my heart away.
Some may see this sorrow as pathetic but I don’t care right now…
my heart had found a home but now this home has become enshrouded in clouds.
I apologize again and again… only because it’s what I say best.
“Let me love you.” Is what I would like to ask.
“Let me kiss your lips a thousand times.” Is what I would love to
ask.
“Let me hold you in these empty arms… at last, at last.”
And in an overwhelming love for you I see myself there by your
side.
But alas, this will never happen, once again a new moon has left
my stride.
You returned to me my muse.
You returned to me my joy, but with it there was a price to pay
and I wish this price could’ve been destroyed.
I wish I could write down in words exactly what you mean to me,
but it wouldn’t be enough.
It wouldn’t explain the tears I’ve shed for you so painfully in
the silence behind my bathroom door.
It wouldn’t explain how fast I’d run to catch you on the train.
It wouldn’t quite explain anything regardless of whether I recite
it again and again.
I’ve thought so long and hard about what this feeling is that I have
for you.
For once I can’t name it but I know it’s got something to do with
you.
And there go the tears again as I write this down and down.
And there go the tears again; I need to wipe away this frown.
I can’t let them see I’ve been crying, but I’d damn sure like to
be in your arms right now, reciting to you my sorrow songs as you whisper
yours to me.
You were my sanctuary but now you’re going away.
“Why did you let me love you? Why did you let me trust in this
belief and hold it to be so true?” I wrote this before I took my nap.
But I can’t blame this on you; it is not my place… I can only
write down words which you don’t handle very well.
God dammit I just want to wish it all away… I feel this void, this
sadness, and this sorrow in the pits of my stomach.
This silence where my heart is and still you say nothing.
You promised you wouldn’t break my heart… your promise I hold it
still.
My love there has to be an alternative; I must continue this endeavor
for you upon only my freewill.
But for now, I wish for sleep.
If sleep is to sorrow as sorrow is to sleep, what is sleep if it
only recalls from my unconsciousness memories of you?
Although these memories of you are rather distant they are as they
were and will be as they are, memories of how I was once a cold furnace to which
you dumped hot coals upon my frozen heart.
I’ve written for so long now, the tears have flown away, but I fear
if I read this aloud again they will return again for the third time this day.
Even though words reach you not… my words always reach me, my
words always remind me of what I should be reminded of and the passion that I can
only spew.
“Why did you let me love you?” I recite this phrase through my
head again and again.
“Why haven’t you let me love you yet? We cannot just sit here and
pretend.” I stare solemnly at my computer screen.
I’ve been writing for a while now and still the thoughts spill, I wonder
if they will ever stop, I wonder when it will be that my mind will keel over
and my fingers bleed to a stop.
Before I awoke I fell asleep, not thinking only holding a pillow
tight against my side, breathing soundly it was the first slice of peace that I
had received today.
After I awoke to the ringing of my phone's sirens, I stared sadly
at its screen in hopes that it would be you, but alas it wasn’t and I am for
sure it will not be… for tonight, for a while and maybe even forever.
And then I held my pillow so tightly in my arms, squeezed from it
life if it had any, to my mind I screamed “Why did you let me love you?!” “Why
did you let me trust you?!” and my face cringed, I could not breathe because
the tears congested me so. And I curled into the fetal position and let them
fall and flow, like the rains we’ve always talked about, like the rains of lost
lover’s calls, my tears poured and stopped for a moment, only for a short
moment did they stall. I walked lifelessly down my ladder and staggered into my
bathroom hall, closed the door, turned on the light and let my head fall into my
hands. The tears came again and I fell to my knees like a tragic story of a beggar’s
wife at dead husband's side.
And I have been writing for so long… with this empty frown upon my
face, I can breathe easy again.
And I realize that this feeling for you is definitely something.
I’m not giving up unless you tell me to.
“Let me love you.” Is what I would like to say.
“Let me kiss your lips a thousand times before you go.” Is
something that I need to say.
“Let me hold you in my empty arms… at last, at last.”
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