Well maybe you'll never read this... even though I really want you to. I've been thinking too much about this one specific thing-- what are we? Its funny because I am dying to talk to you but I honestly don't know what to say. I mean what can I do? Say 'Hi' and leave it at that? Or make myself sound miserably desperate and admit that I really do miss talking to you. I think about the fact that I cry and cuss when I'm all alone and that I flirt and laugh when we're on the phone. And I wonder, "if I ever feel better what I could do so I don't stop myself for a reason I don't know how?" I'm afraid to admit that I am the coward for not telling you exactly what I am writing at this very moment... A love letter that you'll probably never ever read. A love letter that eventually someone will tell someone about and that someone will eventually tell you, and you will confront me and I will deny that it had ever been written. Sure thats all a lie because I can't bring myself to do what everyone else says. I miss the kiss that I was given, the sound of your voice, the fact that I am now in misery that somehow my own damn feet choose to stay in one spot instead of doing the opposite. I don't think I'd be crazy enough to write thousands of words all over the walls of my room just 2 hours before my birthday but someday soon you can read this love letter off of my body and know exactly how I feel. It doesn't matter whether it is written in marker or pen but you will be able to read it as if you are reading it from a letter in the mail. The fact that I can distinguish you from all the things that I favor I'd have to say my eyes always lead me into yours again. Sure I'll admit saying you have to earn my trust is a bit too much but now I'm not even sure whether that seems right or wrong, what do you think? Fine everyone seems to agree that all and all it was too quick so again I wonder, what are we? What will we be? What are we? What are we? I can't ask you this personally because I'd feel too damn ashamed to even attempt or dare to try. I have realized I really do feel better, but I can't make up my mind on what to do, sure I won't make it easy for you this time around and yeah you have to work to gain what was once had and of course I'm a sucker when it comes to you, but you know what? This letter is for you and only you and to be honest... I'm glad all of my friends are looking out for my best interest I have realized I can only settle this on my own... the way I settle everything, by writing it down in the best form I know so I don't have to go speechless over the phone and listen to myself breathe after every word I say, the fact that I can write for ever and ever about all things that come to mind. The fact that I can pause for a second and not worry about whether or not you hung up or if you're even listening. And I laugh as I think of these words that have ran through my head this entire day-- "take me now or take me never, say goodbye or say forever." Its crazy because as bad as I wish I could say that I know I really won't because somehow... those words just won't come out, so sure I'm crying as I finish the last parts to this letter the fact that I'm actually really happy, the fact that I'm actually really crazy, the fact that maybe for a quick moment I might have lost my mind, the fact that I can't figure it out some goddamn times, the fact that in an hour I'll be 17 and that I am too immature to tell you exactly how I feel with my own voice. So in ways I hesitate to surrender all of my insecurities and only the words I can think the most is by telling you I don't know what to say when in reality I really do but its just hard for me to say them. And then I smile and wonder what are we? Its such a paradox. The way I keep coming back to the same ending. I laugh at the fact that in a silly way I really might be a heartless vampire that can only scream in the dark but you are the moon that wakes me in the nightfall and leaves me in this serendipity state of pure and elastic curse that makes me feel again. And I'll admit it. I miss you, what now?